A Satirical Report
By AARON MAIRZADEH and JOSHUA REICHEK
The seniors walked into the cafeteria on a seemingly average day at Jericho High School. Upon arrival, they received a pleasant surprise – the senior lounge had finally been painted! Evidently, someone or something was able to finish the painting just in time for graduation.
According to Mr. P., when he started his cafeteria duty in the morning, the senior lounge was colorful, bright, and artistic – a stark contrast from the months before.
In order to determine who had finished painting the senior lounge, the JerEcho was able to access security footage from that night with the cooperation of key witness Mr. P., who lives in the cafeteria. “I normally sleep on the lunch tables, but my back hurt that night, so I slept on the couch. In the process, I discovered new strains of bacteria hiding between the cushions.” However, he said that he had not seen anyone enter or leave the cafeteria all night. Instead, he noticed a plethora of paintings and colors being applied to the surrounding walls. Mr. P. said that he attempted to write over the appearing colors with a broken pencil, but his attempts were pointless.
The security tapes clearly show a student painting the walls as Mr. P. gawks in awe, unable to respond or do anything to stop the heinous crime. “I was just minding my own business, sleeping with one eye open, when all of a sudden the walls just picked up brushes and started painting themselves,” Mr. P. said in an interview. However, it should be noted that he was very confused and tired from a lack of sleep and a day filled with excessive vending machine tipping.
UPDATED: The culprit has finally been caught. It was none other than highly spirited and motivated senior How E. Goo, who was suspended for a week, and is required to paint the walls completely white again, in order to create a blank canvas for the Class of 2016 seniors.