Anthony Scarnati: Smartest Man in the World

April 1, 2014 Alison Lieberman 21

A Satirical Article By MAX DREW and JACKSON WEINREB

JerUh-Oh

Anthony Scarnati: loving father, devoted husband, thoughtful son, lord, witty teacher, friendly friend, defender of the Constitution, recreational basket weaver, and professional bomb diffuser. The Jericho High School Sociology teacher is widely known throughout the community as all of these, but what most students don’t know is that Anthony Scarnati knows all.

scarnati
Anthony Scarnati captured at the Obamas’ Christmas party in 2009.

Scarnati has a planner that can accurately predict every upcoming event. When two former Sociology students of his, Max Drew and Jackson Weinreb, decided to skip class and stay in the cafeteria one day, two minutes into the period, they saw Mr. Scarnati standing at the cafeteria door, looking at them. Scarnati reportedly said, “I had it written down in my book that on October 22, 2013, two students of mine, Jackson Weinreb and Max Drew, would cut my class.” Drew said, “Shortly before he showed up, a carrier pigeon brought me a note that read, ‘I’m coming for you,’ and before I knew it, Anthony was standing at the door.” Weinreb stated, “We know that social forces put pressure on us as seniors to cut classes, but we will never shortchange Mr. Scarnati again.”

Another former Sociology student of his, Alex Tolpin, relayed a tale that further emphasizes the extent of Scarnati’s all-knowing powers: “The day after we handed in our big research paper, we all walked into class, and he was just standing there. He told us he already had our papers graded, and to look at our palms. So, I looked, and out of nowhere a number appeared in my hand. He said that the number we saw was our grade. It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen.”

“White Rock is the finest tasting seltzer.” -Anthony Scarnati
Anthony Scarnati is often heard professing that “White Rock is the finest tasting seltzer.”

Aside from being a genius, Anthony Scarnati is also a seltzer enthusiast, his preferred brand being White Rock. He was once an avid Vintage Seltzer fan until they relocated. Scarnati explained, “Ever since they moved to Florida, their product has been worse than that time One Direction broke up. Wait, you don’t know about that yet.”

If this article doesn’t open your eyes to the true Anthony Scarnati, we don’t know what will. Long live Lord Scarnati.

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  2. I think it was very funny reading about his love of seltzer since we actually talked about it during class once. We talked about how the water change caused the taste to change so that’s why he changed from Vintage to White Rock.

  3. Having scarnati throughout high school for research I can confirm that this is all true.

  4. Mr. Scarnati truly does know all. I’ll make sure not to ever cut his class.

  10. Not only is he the smartest man he should be in those dos equis commercials for being the worlds most intresting man.

  12. So funny, we enjoyed the part about Mr. Scarnati being a basket weaver in his spare time.

  13. I like the photoshopped image of Scarnati at the Obama Christmas party, very funny.

  14. I like the photoshopped picture and the whole article has a lot of jokes relating to the class, which I thought was funny.

  15. I like this a lot especially when you talk about how Scarnati loves his seltzer. I like the alliteration at the end too

  17. I always knew that he was a special guy when I saw him in his room. He just had that force and aura behind him. Thank you for quenching my curiosity.

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